Why did a stand-up comedian and a rock band summarize my anxiety so completely when I couldn’t?

I wish I could dictate my entries, but when I hear myself, I always sound awful, and the words don't make sense. How else can I explain that a stand-up comedian could perfectly describe my feelings of anxiety when I can't? Anxiety is a crippling condition that affects everything in our lives, yet it often goes undiagnosed or ignored, and that allows anxiety to grow and control our lives.

I took a self-imposed break from writing in an attempt to deal with my anxiety and get my head back together again. It wasn'twasn't easy; self-examination and introspection never are, but it was worth it to give me a renewed sense of myself without the crippling emotional baggage that I had been carrying around for so many years.

I knew I had to return to writing because this situation overtook my waking moment. I don't mean that in a bad way; however, I found it incredibly helpful. I was able to start delving deeply into my psyche and uncover problems that lurked within. I took another self-imposed hiatus from my writing to focus on myself and how I could improve.

I started watching YouTube videos and accidentally found a comedian with his channel. I loved how he handled hecklers and always maintained his connection with the audience. His name is Steve Hofstetter. He opened up about his struggles with anxiety, and that resonated with me.

Steve described the perfect definition of the anxiety I feel. He talked about how fear and anxiety are closely related. If you decide to go across the street to a grocery store, you can experience fear and anxiety. Fear is when you start crossing the street and see a car speeding along the road. Fear keeps you from crossing the street until the car has passed. Fear was a rational response to the situation.

Anxiety is the fear of what could possibly happen. If there is no car on the road, you might feel that something will go wrong when you start to cross the road. You think that you might fall and be unable to get up and then get hit by a car that comes along later. You believe that if you cross the street, the grocery store won't have what you went there for in the first place. You worry that you might be unable to carry everything back across the street to get home.

I delved into my history and began to see what established and strengthened my anxiety. I was taught as a child to answer all questions thoroughly and not to leave any details out, which created a sense of anxiety that I was unaware of for more than fifty years. Only when Hal kept expressing irritation when I answered questions thoroughly would a simple "yes or no" suffice.

As I said, undiagnosed anxiety can wreck your life, and you still won't know what is wrong with you. It takes the courage to seek help from a professional to understand what is happening to you properly.

My anxiety started at an early age. I felt unworthy so much of the time. I was a loner because I didn't grow up around a large group of kids my age. I always felt inferior in some way, and I adopted an aggressive personality to compensate for my loneliness and inadequacies.

Some people describe Paramore as a rock band with an acquired taste, but I find them refreshing because of their honest lyrics and catchy tunes. I believe that all of the members have dealt with mental health issues over the years, and they haven't shied away from confronting them in their songs. While there are numerous examples of this, I suggest you listen to their album "After Laughter" to understand better what I mean.

I got too excited for no reason, which was hard to control. Medication helped, but the real change came from meditation and deep breathing exercises. I learned to shut the world out when I needed to. I refuse to let the world dictate all of my actions anymore. I need time to formulate my responses to the world around me and not worry about how others will respond. I am only in control of my feelings and emotions, not of other people.

My parents meant well, and I don't blame them for how I turned out. I needed to grow and mature at my own pace; it took me much longer than most people. I am coping better now than before, which is the main thing. I know that I am doing better.

My feeling of inadequacy is something that I might never fully master, but I will keep trying. I try not to measure myself against others anymore. I did that for years, but it never made me happy; it only worsened my anxiety and depression, so I don't need that anymore.

I calmed down with psychiatric help once I finally accepted the fact that I needed it. Going to therapy was the best decision I ever made, other than finding Hal. Hal was the one who told me that I needed professional help, and he was right. It took a false start before I found the right therapist for me; the first one only wanted to medicate me more and more with each visit. I didn't want to mask the issues I was dealing with. I wanted help and communication.

The only way to go is forward. There is no turning back.

Be kind to each other.