When Will I Learn?

I have written a blog for more than 15 years. Sadly, I had long lapses in the past, but I always came back. I wish I were a better writer, but I write from experience, and to put it bluntly, my life was more complicated than most. There is a large portion of my life that I can never write about. I’ll leave it at that.

I write because I need to. There is no other way to describe the feeling. My failure is letting what others say influence me. I need to focus on my writing and avoid the pitfalls of others taking the joy away.

The best things in my adult life are meeting and falling madly in love with my partner of nearly twenty-four years, finding Kindness as a guiding philosophy, and finally confronting my demons through therapy.

I met Hal, my partner, at a critical point in my life. I was changing careers and realized that most of my adult life up to that point was a blank space and would always remain so. Hal was the most charming and engaging man I ever met. We clicked instantly, and neither hesitated to make our relationship long-term.

When I met Hal, I was struggling with myself. I used lots of alcohol to dull the pain and fill the emptiness in my life. I was engaged twice, but neither time worked out. I was a secretive and solitary man until Hal broke down the barriers I created to protect myself. When Hal and I dated, I could drink most guys under the table. Hal watched out for me. He never mentioned my drinking. I was what you would call a functioning alcoholic.

Thankfully, I was never a violent alcoholic, and I’m sure Hal would have left if I was. An amazing thing happened. When we celebrated our six-month anniversary, I realized that I stopped drinking without Hal saying a word. Hal filled the space in my heart and has ever since.

We have gone through a lot in our years together. We both lost our last surviving parent, we both changed jobs multiple times, and we have moved from place to place, but we are stronger than ever.

After we had been together for twenty years, everything seemed perfect until it wasn’t. Although I gave up drinking except a glass of wine or a cocktail fit special occasions, I couldn’t quit my smoking addiction. I tried all the patches, but they never worked. Finally, a friend suggested switching over to vaping. That happened in 2014. I found I could stop smoking and just vape. I gradually reduced the nicotine level to zero, and I felt better. Only the psychological impulse kept me vaping for a few years.

Then in 2020, my health situation dramatically changed for the worst. I suffered chronic shortness of breath and diabetes and was rushed to the hospital. COPD was the diagnosis, and the doctor told me I had stopped smoking in time and that there was no cancer. Then my kidneys shut down, and I was put into a medically-induced coma for at least five days.

I was on dialysis that entire time I was unconscious, but thankfully I haven’t had to do that again, although I have chronic kidney disease that I monitor. I couldn’t go back to work, but when I started my rehabilitation after four months in the hospital, the respiratory therapists recommended I try meditation and chair yoga. They also gave me some reading material that covered the philosophy of Kindness.

Sometimes, the most significant changes start in the most minor ways. As I read about Kindness, I realized I had that gift within me all the time. I chose to push Kindness down and smother it with anger and unpleasantness. The knowledge that all I had to do was let Kindness out of the cell I put it in was exhilarating; it seemed too simple and corny to work. Much to my surprise, it did work. Kindness welcomed itself back into my life at just the right time. I was on the way to peace and serenity, but I still needed help to get there.

I still experienced outbursts of anger. I couldn’t control myself at times. The best analogy is a sealed water pot over an open flame. Eventually, all that dreams must be released somehow. I had no way to release that anger, and it hurt me. There were times when all I Fb could do was scream to try and remove all the rage.

Hal suggested several times that I see a therapist. I finally relented, and I felt so much better than I thought possible. The therapist prescribed anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication for me, and that obviously has helped as well. I feel so much better now. I’m sleeping more than I have in years. Hal is happy with my progress and encourages me to see the therapist regularly.

I was a little ashamed to talk with the therapist. I felt like I failed somehow and that I was weak, not tough enough anymore. That was why I put off seeing a therapist for so long. I wish I had gone earlier, but at least I face my inner demons now rather than trying to hide them. I’m still in the early stages of confronting my demons while knowing that some aspects of my past will follow me to the grave unresolved. I will have to live with that. At least I can confront that part of my past inwardly now and try to take what I learn from therapy to lessen the pain that exists there.

My life feels like it has been turned upside down overnight. My writing has become more difficult over the last few weeks. I know that things will be better. I have a backlog of stories and a new website to put things on. I need to let my mind settle and then move ahead.