This time of the year is always hard for me.

This time of the year hurts, both physically and mentally. Four years ago, I was in the hospital and wondering if I would survive, let alone be discharged. I was in the hospital with only a few days out between Labor Day and Christmas of 2020. That was the first time in my life that I wondered what it would be like to die.

I was so lonely during that time. I watched the world outside the window and wished I were still a part of it. It took me forever to adjust to life in the hospital finally. Hal would visit me every day until they transferred me to Richmond for further treatment. After that, he could only visit me every other day because it was a 75-mile trip each way, and Hal could not drive due to glaucoma.

The days between his visits were the worst times in my life, especially since I was there for almost a month. The medical team transferred me to a medically induced coma, so when I came out of it with a tube down my throat, unable to talk, I couldn't find out for over a day exactly where I was, and that thought terrified me.

I sat up in my hospital bed every day, watching the world outside, and I never felt so isolated and alone. I missed the simplest things, like being able to eat and drink when I wanted to. I couldn't get out of bed to go to the restroom or sit in the chair in my room. I couldn't get comfortable with all the tubes I had in me, and every four hours, another nurse showed up wanting more blood from me. I was miserable during that time.

Fast-forward to the present, and I still have flashbacks to those times at this time of year. Sometimes, when I sit in my living room chair and look out the window, those memories flood me like a tsunami I cannot control. Even though I look around and know on a fundamental level that I am still at home, my mind plays tricks, and I can see and feel like I am still in the hospital.

Next week, when I see my new therapist with whom I feel comfortable, I will tell her about these feelings and flashbacks because they worry me. I don't think I'm going crazy, but it helps to be sure. These flashbacks aren't scary, but they are unnerving. I have learned to let these events play themselves out for now. I hope that my therapist can help me deal with them in a better way.

For now, I am trying my best to deal with these flashbacks. I usually talk to Hal; he understands what I have gone through in the past and what I am going through now. I never thought that things like this would ever happen to me. I was always a strong person, but now I'm an invalid to a large degree. Hal does so much for me, and I try to make sure I do all I can for him daily.

It is time to wrap this up. Things won't change overnight.

Be Kind to one another.