Step by Step

Writing can be overpowering at times. Inspiration took an unscheduled holiday and is on a tropical beach, nursing a Corona or a Daquiri in the recesses of my mind with his cell phone turned off. I'm left to cope with the world solely as it exists while secretly longing to be with Inspiration on that tropical beach, nursing a drink of my own.

When I look back at the weekend, I see that I got a lot of things done successfully, and I'm proud of that. I cooked like a demon in the kitchen, so we have enough food here to last through the week. My goal was to start emptying the cabinets and preparing food we already had instead of going out or ordering delivery. As long as Hal enjoys my cooking, we will be fine. There are a few side dishes I need to replenish, but that won't take long.

I've adjusted to the new normal around here. I promised Hal that we would stay home more, and we have. Cooking here saves money, and I have more time to write sans Inspiration at times like these. I have to kickstart my brain and think about writing for a change. Then, I realized that writing is always an incremental process. It happens step by step and at its own pace. You can't rush writing, and you can't ignore it. When the words flow, I type them; when they stop, I stop. You can't force writing because that isn't creativity. It is the worst kind of torture. If I can get a good thirty seconds of writing at a time, I'm happy. It's fantastic to accomplish more, but only if it is organic.

Sometimes, I push myself too hard and set unrealistic goals. I love to get a story to five minutes, but that requires patience and getting Inspiration to take my urgent calls while the lazy bastard sits in the sun drinking daiquiris. Writing any five-minute story takes more time than most people imagine. I wish I were gifted enough to sit down and fire off a story instantly. Perhaps one day I will be able to, but it hasn't happened yet. It usually takes me several hours to crank out an excellent five-minute story I'm happy with. I've had this problem for years. I constantly break one of my resolutions and type on the iPhone because I make short notes to include in my stories. The amount of random, unrelated notes is astounding. Most of them will never be touched again, but sometimes, I play a game where I try to string the random notes together to try and create a story. It is an exciting game, but I seldom win.

The worst feeling is when I sense the gears in my mind finally jamming, and then I know I should stop writing and focus on something else. I'll talk with Hal, play with The Stooges, have a snack, take a nap, whatever it takes to get my mind active again and ready to write more. If you've read this far, I'm only about halfway to my five-minute goal, but I've been working on this story sporadically for more than two hours.

I try to focus on the quality of my writing and not the quantity. My anxiety bugs me from time to time while I write. I feel self-conscious and afraid that too much personal information is exposed. The urge to constantly rewrite feels like millions of needles under my skin. I fight the urge to rewrite by reminding myself that I write in short bursts and review almost every sentence.

Another hour has passed. I took my advice and went to the kitchen and prepared some side dishes for dinner. I made salmon burgers earlier today, and I've already started thawing pork chops to cook tomorrow. It feels great to stick to one plan without interruption. Perhaps this self-enforced discipline is exactly what I need to combat my anxiety. I am learning precisely what to do, and when to do it so dinner is ready at the same time every evening. It seems like such a trivial thing, but it gives me something to focus on and keeps me from getting bored. Not to mention that I love pleasing Hal with dinner. He loves my cooking, and that makes me feel appreciated. If this is how my life will be, I'm happy.

So often, we spend time worrying over what we don't have instead of being grateful for the things we do have. That is a hard habit to break, but when we approach life with Kindness, it gets easier to make it happen. As long as I am with Hal and The Stooges, I am happy and content with everything else. Contentment is very hard to find in today's hectic world.

When I turn my mind back to writing and taking things step by step, everything starts to make some kind of sense. This story has spanned more than twenty-four hours, and I still can't see the end of it. When I take my time, I relax and just let things flow around me. I don't worry about the world's problems because I can't solve them alone, and carrying the burden of the world takes enjoyment out of life.

I found that once I stopped worrying about the big problems, the smaller ones instantly became more manageable. I stopped letting those things bother me as well because the behavior is the same. My old trick of putting my AirPods in and tuning out the news serves me well to make the world go away for a while.

So, my life is constantly evolving and getting better every day. I'm grateful for what went well for me, and I learned to let my disappointments go instead of hanging onto them. The last three years have been the most rewarding of my life when they could easily have been the most depressing. I've embraced Kindness and experienced the wonders that seemed beyond me for so many years. I learned to meditate and find the inner calm that eluded me for so long. It sounds presumptuous to say, but I deserve the good things that have happened to me.