Starting All Over Again

I am learning to crawl and walk again regarding my writing. I have let everything get in my way for the last several weeks. When I let one thing distract me, I thought it was no big deal, but the next thing, followed by another, until I looked around and realized that I had not written anything in two weeks. At that point, my sense of failure and guilt crept to the forefront of my mind, and that triggered my depression. Everything was a vicious circle spinning out of control with me at the center. I couldn't find a safe spot to jump off the spinning ride, so my anxiety and fear paralyzed me. Imagine being afraid to do something I love, like writing. I knew that something had to change, but the paralysis kept me from making any decisions. I spoke with Hal, and he told me to get busy and find a new psychiatrist who could help me out of this situation.

Finally, I pulled up enough emotional strength to reach out and contact a new psychiatrist. Of course, there was a waiting period before I could be seen, but a week wasn't that much for someone in my condition. I immediately felt better after scheduling the appointment and started planning ways to describe my feelings.

I feared a repeat of the disaster with the last psychiatrist, who only wanted to talk about medications and what else she could prescribe for me. When the day arrived, I went to the new doctor's office and felt a sense of calm when I walked through the door. She had a scent of jasmine throughout the office, which immediately started to calm my anxiety. It is incredible how little things like that can make such a huge difference. The calm atmosphere helped me to meditate and calm my mind before I saw the doctor. 

I talked with her for an hour. She asked me why I left my old psychiatrist, and I explained the situation to her. I lost confidence in her ability to help me. The new psychiatrist, also a woman, understood and laughed when I made a little joke. The old doctor never laughed or smiled, and Hal told me that was a bad sign and that I did need a change.

When we discussed the medication I was taking, I admitted that it helped almost immediately. She agreed there would be no change until she better understood me and my condition. That was a genuinely refreshing approach. I felt at ease with the new psychiatrist, and that was something sorely lacking with the old one. I made a good choice; I wish I had done so sooner. When I left her office, she accompanied me to the door and saw Hal outside in the car. She spoke to Hal, which was completely unexpected but very much appreciated.

Hal noticed a change as we drove home. He was excited for me, and I felt his support, which helped me feel even better. I know this was when I started to come out of the dark place I had been in for so long. My motivation to write slowly returned, and I just had to get over the hump to get started. The emotions poured out of me, which had to be completed before I could move forward.

I needed a few days before I sat down and started writing this story. The emotional clouds required clearing from my mind before writing anything worthwhile. I saw the world in a better light, and my mood started improving. When I started writing this story, the first part was easy; the words kept coming. Eventually, I reached a point when I needed to stop, but I knew I was improving. I didn't want to try to fix the world all or once; I needed to pace myself because that was the way to feel better truly. 

I stopped writing for the evening on Sunday and am now starting again at the local writer's group on Monday morning.

I arrived early at the writers' group, which is held at Starbucks usually every other week. I missed the camaraderie that I felt, and I know that this helped me break through my writer's block. Talking about my writing with others who share my passion is invigorating, to say the least. The environment shakes up my routine, which is just what I needed.

After a brief introduction, we all set about writing our individual projects. Several other writers have published novels, so I feel somewhat overwhelmed but still comfortable and safe in the group. I am so glad that I found this group through the Meetup application.

I continue my story about writing again. I felt the urge to write again this morning, and I believe I can finish this story by the end of the meeting. As long as my music played through the Beats Pro, I could concentrate without the loud noise that always accompanies Starbucks. I prefer a quiet writing place, except for my music, inspiration, and metronome. I always wondered how people could write with constant random noises going on around them, but they have published novels, and I haven't, so they must know a secret.

I slept well last night and look forward to the rest of the day after the writing group ends. I told Hal that I would take him wherever he wanted to go after I got the game. Luckily, Starbucks is less than five minutes from the apartment. We spent the weekend cooped up in the apartment, so we deserve to get out, especially on a Monday when most people return to work. If Hal wants to stay home, I am okay with that. I have other appointments this week, and we don't want to do too much at any one time.

I mentioned the new psychiatrist earlier. I still feel better after seeing her last Thursday. I won't see her again until June 3rd. It is incredible how quickly time flies by. I know that I must get more sleep and eat better between now and then to control those aspects of my personality as much as possible. I am guilty of staying up too late, ruining my sleep cycle.

When it comes to eating, my new psychiatrist talked about my eating habits, and I found myself admitting that I use food as a crutch when I feel depressed or anxious. This wasn't a huge surprise, but talking about it with someone who cared felt good. I love to cook, but then I think repressed. I can't find the energy to work in the kitchen, and I order delivery, which isn't the healthiest thing to do.

I feel like home life is good; it is other things that trigger my anxiety and depression, such as friends not responding to messages or inviting Hal and me to special events like weddings, yet proclaiming what great friends we are. I know that this is a form of anxiety caused by fear of rejection, and no matter the treatment, those feelings still hurt a great deal and are hard to get rid of. I find it hard to let go of friendships that have outlived themselves. I need to work on it in the future to better myself. 

I have spent so much of my life putting others first. Prioritizing myself seems selfish, but I realize that it isn't. It is healthy and productive in the long term. This even applies to my writing and my writing tools. They are an investment in me, not a waste of money and time. Hal has his VR headset fetish, and I have my Apple fetish that needs to be fed now and then. I have thought about getting a new iPad or perhaps another MacBook, but I am waiting to see the next big announcements before making up my mind. Even now, writing that last section made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't say I like putting myself first. There are worse things, but I can't think of any.

I guess that the first step should be mine. I can go home and tell Hal that I want to go somewhere and that I want him to go with me. That way, I am taking charge of my life for a while. It would be a start. I can appreciate this feeling of power; I have to exercise it daily.

I am happy to have finally broken through my writer's block. I can finally start putting some meat on the bones of several stories that I started and then abandoned when I was feeling depressed. I will try to get back on a regular writing schedule while remembering to take charge of my life daily. I will practice gratitude daily and focus on things through a prism of Kindness. I won't let the world or other people get me down and drive my emotions. As for the old friends, I will use the mantra that they aren't worth the trouble anymore if they ignore me or Hal.

It feels great to finish a story again, finally.

Be Kind to each other