Slowing things down

I thought this picture was perfect for what I was about to write. The image of the water flowing around me is how I feel about life's problems. I don't put any effort into things that will pass me by because that only interferes with my enjoyment of life. I prefer to take my time now and be content with myself. I wrote about things that bothered me at the time, but eventually, I found that I needed to be more in touch with my feelings instead of how others made me feel. It's a hard lesson but well worth it in the long run.

Casting off negative people became easier as time went by. I didn't feel the angst I used to feel when I first made that decision. I kept trying to reach out to people, and when I didn't get a response, I felt awful and unworthy. I had to recognize that they were the awful and unworthy ones. My sense of self-worth gradually recovered, and I felt more confident in myself and my abilities for the first time in so long that I couldn't remember.

Not having a job due to disability makes a huge difference in allowing me to progress along this path. I used to evaluate my worth based on what I did for a living and how well I performed that job. This attitude was secretly killing me from the inside. I forgot how to love myself. I depended on the opinions of others to make me feel good. Unfortunately, when things went wrong on the job, I let it affect me with every other aspect of my life.

It was tricky not to realize that I had a problem. I kept adjusting myself to meet other people's expectations rather than my own. I based my so-called friendships on how others perceived me rather than how I perceived them. I became defensive when people ignored me. I was quick to anger and held grudges without a reason. I gave up all of that, and I am happier now.

My life has become more relaxed and home-centered. Hal and I don't go out as much as we used to, and sometimes, that irritates me, but I know now that there is nothing wrong with staying home more often. We don't have anything pressing that we need to do regularly other than medical appointments and grocery shopping, and half the time, we get groceries delivered. We aren't getting any younger and need more rest these days.

I used to ask Hal if there was any place he wanted to go, but he always answered that he was fine staying at home. Now I understand what he meant, so we seldom discuss that anymore. I would get upset about staying home in the past, but I'm over it now.

Hal has his VR headset to keep him busy.l I need to spend more time on my writing, even if it only summarizes the day's events. Any writing is better than one at all. I promise to use my time in the recliner by pulling out the Macbook Pro and writing rather than sitting and web surfing all day.

There are plenty of constructive tasks that I can accomplish here at home. First, I want to organize all the paperwork that clutters my bedroom and keeps me away from my desk. The room is already crowded enough without lots of paperwork and stuff lying around. Instead of feeling that the task is hopeless, I need to attack one small pile of stuff at a time, and that will give me perspective as I clean things up.

Br kind to each other.