Reopening Old Inner Wounds and Dealing with them

I tried to communicate with an old friend last week, or so I thought, and have yet to receive a response. I wasn’t upset because I learned to deal with people as they are, not how I would wish them to be. My thoughts were that I hoped he was doing well, noting more than that.

On a whim, I decided to see whether my friend had retired and moved to the other side of the country like he always wanted to. I found a result that surprised me and opened up an old wound.

My friend hasn’t left the area and is getting married in two weeks. My first thought was happiness for him and his bride, but my demons emerged from their slumber almost immediately. I saw the wedding announcement online, but I never would have known about it unless I had searched for him.

I didn’t expect a written invitation, which is so old-fashioned, but I wondered why my friend never sent me the link via text. Perhaps he retired and changed his cell phone number. I have no idea. Still, he thought that something important was happening in his life. I wasn’t included hurt.

As I progress along my journey toward becoming a better person, dealing with my mental health demons, trying to exorcise them, and becoming comfortable in my skin, I recognize my shortcomings and my emotional triggers. The things that affected me in the past caused me to react purely on instinct: I never thought things out before responding.

One of my deepest fears has always been rejection. I always tried to be the newest friend I could to people, but I was often hurt by what I perceived as their lack of response. I expected everyone to feel the same way as I did when it came to personal relationships and friendships, and that was the demon that ate away at my self-esteem and crippled me emotionally. I felt rejected when it wasn’t there, and I mistook my lack of interest for some failure on my part. I tried to please everyone, but that never worked.

I was able to deal with the information about my friend’s wedding. I recognize that since I was never sent the link as an invitation, it wasn’t meant for me. I processed everything and didn’t lash out. I thought carefully and decided that the best thing to do was not to acknowledge that I ever heard about his wedding. I felt the hurt subside quickly after deciding because I had thought things through before.

I am getting better every day, although I still have the occasional episode like the one I just talked about. I am focused on my life with Hal and The Stooges; they are my only family and my treasure. Friends come and go, often without warning, when they leave your life.

I wish my friend the best in the future, although he may never hear from me. Such is the price we pay on the journey through life.

Be kind to each other.