Putting Myself First for a Change

I want to put myself first for a change. I don't mean to be selfish, but I spent too much time focusing on everyone else's needs while inadvertently neglecting myself. I deserve to be happy first and foremost. That won't change my decision to Hal or the Fab Four, but it will put me in a better place emotionally and physically.

Over the last four years, I learned how important taking care of yourself is. I spent too much time, early in my life, doing everything you are told not to, always believing that I was immortal. This foolish belief finally caught up to me, and I paid a heavy price in terms of my health. I use walking sticks whenever I leave the apartment; I cannot walk more than one block at a time before stopping and rest. I suffered from chronic insomnia, anxiety, and depression.

I was always worried more about the world around me and the people in it than I was about taking care of myself. Now, I recognize the error of my ways. I want to live my life for myself.

We are taught from an early age that we need to conform, and the best way to do that is to prioritize other people, to make sure that we please them and are not disagreeable, before focusing whatever energy we have left on ourselves. This approach is detrimental to our self-worth. It engenders resentment after so many years, which is why so many people turn to excessive greed and self-interest at the expense of others. 

I worked myself to the bone for many years, always naively believing that my hard work would pay off and I would be happy. Instead, I always found happiness. It was tantalizingly close but still just out of reach to achieve. 

I failed to realize that my perspective was all wrong. I should have focused on my happiness first and let the world accommodate me on my terms. Happiness is a choice, and we forget that far too often.

My new therapist helped me realize what was happening to me and gently suggested that I put myself first for a change that would improve my life and my relationship with Hal. Hal initially told me that I should see a therapist, and I am so glad he did.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting myself first. If I am miserable, no reasoning will ever change that fact. I deserve happiness, and then I can achieve great things.

I have always had a lingering sense of self-doubt. I seemed confident on the outside, but inside, I always feared rejection or not being considered good enough by others. I struggled with this contradiction for most of my adult life until I realized that I was punishing myself because I was concerned about what I thought others thought about me. I lacked a healthy sense of self-confidence, and as a result, my anxiety and depression worsened as the years went by.

Hal convinced me that I am worthy of love and respect from others. I don't have to beg and plead for it; I have to love myself first and then make it a requirement for others to accept me before letting them into my orbit. It was a hard thing to do, and I know that some "friends" passed into the netherworld because of that change in my life, but it was essential for me.

I will never again wait for someone to decide whether or not they like me. If they do, they will let me know. If they don't, then I have my answer as well.

I was terrified before starting therapy. I thought that therapy was something that other people needed, but not me. I could handle everything, but I didn't realize there was a vast difference between handling and dealing with those things. Simply handling things always resulted in chaos and heartache. I haven't felt that way since I started therapy.

I'm already writing a separate article on setting my boundaries, but I'll include the important things here.

After so many years of self-neglect, I had to create strategies for prioritizing my self-esteem, which was the cost of trying to accommodate everyone but me. It was a daunting task that I was unsure about when I started. My background from growing up was to behave in a certain way towards others, so this was entirely new territory for me.

The first thing I decided to do as part of my new daily self-care routine was to meditate regularly. This simple act of breathing and concentrating on the here and now was enlightening for me, and I began to see results immediately. Even though these results were positive, I was still unsure. Was I doing this right? I felt a sense of dread, but now I realize that was just the fear of letting go of my old way of thinking and behaving. Significant life changes are hard to deal with without some anxiety.

The main effect on my physical health was that my blood pressure and blood sugar levels suddenly went from hectic to under control in a short period—less than two weeks, to be precise. My doctor noticed the change during my next visit with her and asked me what I had done to improve things.

Anyone who has seriously tried meditation notices an immediate change in their mental well-being. Achieving calm in this hectic, out-of-control world is a challenge at the best of times, but meditation helps bring personal peace and perspective. It does take some time and practice, but the results are excellent once you get into the habit. I used to get angry almost without reason when the slightest thing went wrong. I didn't seem to need an excuse to get mad; something bottled up inside me was trying to escape. Therapy helps me to deal with these emotions and to control them.

My sense of time management changed as I became more comfortable with my new approach to life. Every day, things seemed more special than before. I stopped asking Hal what he wanted to do and started saying, "I want to do this." Hal noticed that change and complimented me, always looking out for me.

Personal time became something that I created instead of scrambling to find while attempting to please everyone else. I made time for myself to be quiet and meditate. I watch almost no TV now unless it is something streaming. I cannot watch the news anymore. It used to anger me, and even now, I won't get immediately angry, but I can feel those negative emotions trying to creep back into my life. Why do something that triggers a negative response?

Balancing responsibilities

Hal helped me through these changes, and after 24 years together, our relationship is more vital than ever. I wouldn't be alive without Hal, which is the truth.

I learned to identify positive influences and focus on them instead of being attracted to negative things. I found the benefits of Kindness in my life and did my best to spread that sense of Kindness to others around me. Kindness helped me through my life changes, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

I had to cut toxic people out of my life, and that meant breaking off some old friendships, but again, I did this for myself. I didn't make any theatrical announcements; I stopped communicating with them on the rare occasions that they wanted to talk.

Overcoming Obstacles

Internal resistance was the hardest thing to overcome, and it changed my life. I mentioned that I was afraid of doing this, but my conditioning held me back. I was tired of misery and lowered expectations for my life. I only have so much time to lice, and so much was already wasted with other people and their concerns, problems, and drama.

Anyone who criticizes me now faces a new person. I take criticism for what it is worth, and the central part of that is recognizing who the person attacking me is and what their agenda is. I burden them with proof without acknowledging that I could be wrong. I make them convince me that they are correct, and then I evaluate their point of view against mine, and mine is the rock they must break.

The benefits of my decision are evident every day. I feel much younger and less stressed than I ever have. I no longer carry the burden of other people's expectations of me. I live for myself and Hal without fear or hesitation. I challenge myself and let others go their own way. I guard my personal space and integrity very closely, and I am cautious of the people and influences I allow to enter my life.

Be Kind to one another.