Moving Slowly Through The Pain

Right now, it feels like my life is starting over while I recover from last month when I had to ration my medications due to an insurance screw-up. I made it through without any significant complications, at least none that I know of so far, and I can feel myself slowly returning to normal with each passing day.

The most noticeable difference is with my anxiety and depression. I was feeling irritable and intensely impatient without those medications. I had only been on them for about three months when I suddenly didn't have them for a month. I can't accurately describe the sensations because I had just started adjusting to them before being thrown back into my old situation with no time to acclimate to that scenario.

I hope this will be the last time I must endure that near torture. I deserve better treatment, but our healthcare system doesn't focus on the needs of the patients. It is too concerned about making a profit for the shareholders, investment bankers, and pharmaceutical companies. I am fortunate to have my benefits, but I wish everyone had at least these same benefits. Health care should be a fundamental right in our society. The only excuse for us not having a universal healthcare system is plain old greed. But that's just my opinion.

I struggle to make my way as I try to rebalance my life. It seems odd, but it is more complicated than I thought. I know that good times will return. I just have to wait for them. Going back to all my medications isn't the easy scenario I hoped for. As my doctor told me, any medication that hasn't been taken for a month or more is almost the same as starting an entirely new drug. I feel light-headed most of the time, and my concentration isn't great. My appetite is suppressed, which isn't bad, but I feel listless with no energy.

Writing this story requires extra attention on my part. I sit and wait for the inner roller coaster of vertigo to subside before I continue writing. We had a severe thunderstorm roll through a few minutes ago. I took that time to close my eyes and meditate as my internal gyroscope compensated for another roller coaster ride. Thankfully, the power stayed on so I could be comfortable as I wrote. Hal and The Stooges kept me company like they always do, and I'm so grateful for them every day. If they weren't here, I doubt I would have survived this long at all. I probably would have died before 2010. I was a borderline alcoholic when I left the Navy. I met Hal then, and for the first few months we were together, I still drank like a fish, but by our six-month anniversary, I had basically stopped drinking.

My focus and concentration improved through the years until our 20th year. That was when I suffered significant health problems that disabled me. COPD was the first ailment. Then, I nearly suffered kidney failure and fluid in my lungs. I was hospitalized for four months, and my mental faculties vacationed.

I was exhausted and angry when I got out of the hospital. For the first year, after realizing I couldn't go back to work. My physical condition prevented that, and my lack of endurance sealed my fate. There was no way I could communicate effectively with Admirals who expected things to be done quickly and without any slowdowns or complications. My concentration and focus weren't there for me.

So, as you can guess, I have had to start my life over several times through the years. Every time, I hope it will be the last; this time is no exception. This time was a condensed event, and I knew exactly how long it would last, but that didn't make things any easier. I'm too old to go through stuff like this. I don't have the strength I used to, and I feel fortunate to have made it through this last time.

Ever since my hospitalization, Kindness and Meditation have given me peace and strength to face life each day with what has become my new normal. I am slowly regaining control with my medications resupplied, so my first priority is to monitor my well-being for any signs of trouble. I noticed softness in my back and shoulders and a dry mouth for the first several days after returning to my entire medication routine. I'll monitor how I feel over the next five to ten days.

I took a break from writing, got out of the chair, tried to start walking, and nearly fell over from vertigo. Just another day here. I gave up, wishing for the dizziness to disappear, and the doctors couldn't pinpoint why it kept happening to me. Somehow, that doesn't inspire much confidence. I try to drink enough water, watch what I eat, and monitor my blood sugar closely daily. It all will eventually even out. Thankfully, I don't have much to worry about with Hal here.

I cannot stress enough about the help from Hal as I go through all of these things. We've been together and in love for almost 24 years, and we're still going strong in the relationship department. He helps me when I have the dizziness spells I mentioned earlier. I watched him watching me, and every time, it hit me that he loves me just as much as I love him. I don't know where I would be without Hal, and I never want to find out.

Between Hal and our three cats, Jax, Willow, and Henry, whom we refer to as The Stooges, I feel like I have a great life even with all my limitations. A positive attitude can do wonders if you believe in it.

And so, I find myself turning a corner in my life once again. I hope this is the last time, but if it isn't, I know I can see the strength to make it through. My life is slowly coming back together when a week ago, I was at my wit's end. I persevered, and here I am. Don't give up.