More Writing Progress for Me

I am still a great writer who hasn't found his particular niche yet. That drives me to keep writing and probing my subconscious in search of that elusive viral story that will finally grab the attention I hope for. I won't stop trying. I battled through depression and anxiety on my way towards that elusive goal and told myself that the journey is the reward. Each time I write, I dig deeper into my personal experiences and memories to find some vast inner truth I can share with the world. Sometimes, that is challenging. But I keep trying.

Whenever I turn around, I try some new method or tool to improve my writing. I need help forming a complete story long enough to untie the reader without being so short that no one bothers to pay attention at all. I am naturally adventurous, which keeps me searching for new and better writing tools; I have written about those often enough. I have found the perfect solution until something new and shiny comes along and grabs my attention. I suspect this is just a personality quirk of mine, always trying new things simply because they are new. Hal accuses me of being a techno-nerd, and he is right.

My latest attempt at the perfect writing style is to tell short stories within the larger story. I am working on the premise that a story should be a certain length, and to reach that length, I should break the story into smaller sections that are more manageable and easier to keep track of. I decided to focus on 100-word segments, give or take a few, describing an aspect of the story. This way, I can stay focused and retain a more disciplined style at the same time. This is an excellent tool for this stage of my writing journey.

I'm learning as I go, so describing how I write seems vital as I develop a style I can live with. The subject matter can be worked into the style as I go along. Each time I get to approximately 100 words, I start and review that section. If it is clear and concise, I move on. If not, I erase it and try again until I get it right. Of course, Grammarly is a big help because my typing used to be better. I don't force my thoughts through Grammarly; I allow Grammarly to help me along the way.

When I write this way, I prefer to be at the iMac. I cannot focus as clearly on my iPad, and it is more relaxing to ponder what I am trying to write and what I will say next. There is a certain symmetry to working this way that calms me. There are fewer distractions here, and I can embrace the silence and solitude as I listen to rain falling against the window as I type. There is a randomness and a pattern to the sound of rain falling that relaxes me. I wish I could explain it more clearly, but you know what I mean.

I'm still searching for a topic that fits into the world. I see people who write with great style and panache; they found the topic I lack in my writing, if that is what it is meant to be. Perhaps I am a stream-of-consciousness writer who never finds a niche. I want stability that I can focus on, but maybe that isn't meant to be. Time will tell; it always does. I must keep searching for the answer and recognize it when I find it. The journey is the exciting part, after all.

Subject matter is important to me but it must be on my terms. I vowed years ago that I was finished with writing that originated from a dark and angry place inside me. I realize that nothing good ever came from there, and that the writing I did then was simply venting anger and complaining about how fucked up the world was. I know now that the world has always been fucked up and that my small voice never helped to correct anything. My anger was part of a vicious cycle that kept repeating itself until I was burned out physically and mentally. My emotions were shot, I was on the verge of destruction, but I didn't realize it until it was nearly too late.

I took a long break from writing. It hurt not to write, but not as much as it hurt to keep writing from that place of anger and hatred. I had to heal myself before I could attempt writing again. I abruptly ended my old WordPress blog without warning anyone because I knew it was right. I needed a complete break from the past to move ahead. I began meditation and basic yoga, and they helped me to cope with my demons for a while. I thought I was getting better, but I was pushing down the emotions and the mental struggles that tormented me. I wasn't getting better; I was getting better at hiding and managing those conditions.

Emotionally, I felt like a soda can shaken violently. No one wants to open it because they know that will happen. I had occasional outbursts of uncontrollable anger. Unfortunately, most were unintentionally directed at Hal. I always apologized profusely, and he always told me that I needed professional help. I was too stubborn and proud to listen to him at first. I was going to tough my way through whatever was bothering me. I was capable of overcoming anything life threw at me. I wasn't prepared for my life to be thrown at me. That was too much for me to handle on my own.

So, I sought help. Along the way, I realized that my writing was a part of my healing and coping processes. I decided to focus on things such as kindness and understanding. I wasn't going back to the dark places; I was done with those. I took more time to focus on my health, not just enduring; I sought ways to improve as much as possible for a change. I altered my outlook on life from being a survivor to an active participant in the great adventure as much as possible. I took more control and made decisions rather than letting circumstances dictate my actions.

If this is the path to my new writing style, I am ready to travel that road and see where it takes me. I want to focus on positive things and reject negativity as much as possible. This approach to writing might not lead me to my niche, or I may have already found it.

Be kind to each other.