I never thought I had PTSD

I always thought of PTSD as something that people suffered from after being in combat, and since I was in the Navy, I believed that was the proper definition. I never knew that the definition was so much more wide-ranging because trauma comes in all types of forms. When I was talking with my therapist the other day, she asked about the flashbacks I wrote about many times in my blog. The flashbacks mde feel like I was back in the hospital even though I could see the world around me and knew that it wasn't true.

I won't go into a total recall about my hospital stays, but suffice it to say that between Labor Day and Christmas 2020, I was in the hospital almost continuously. This background covers health-related things, but what I thought about during the flashbacks were simple things like looking out of the window and knowing that the days were getting shorter and colder. I recognized that certain times of the day were when Hal could visit me, and I could remember the look of the sky at twilight when he had to go home, and I was left all alone for the night in the hospital.

The symptoms of my flashbacks are related to triggers, such as the weather and the changing of the seasons, as I mentioned above. When the flashbacks strike me now, I never sense that they are coming; they just quietly insert themselves into my conscious thoughts. I find them unnerving rather than terrifying, at least now I do. When the flashbacks started approximately three years ago, they did terrify me. I didn't know what to do or how to react. I let my reflexes take control, I hyperventilated, and I felt nauseous. Now, I just let the flashbacks happen because I know that they will go away in a few minutes.

I finally had the chance to talk with my therapist about these flashbacks. She listened attentively, and asked questions at various times, but mainly she let me talk about the flashbacks and how i felt, and how they affected me. After I finished, she dove into questions about my hospital stay four years ago. She asked gently probing questions and finally said that I had suffered a major trauma in my life, and that the flashbacks were a sign of PTSD, because they always took me back to the place where I was uncomfortable and scared that I wouldn't survive. SHe said that things like this time of the year and the weather changes were the triggers that cause my flashbacks to happen.

I never realized, or even thought that I might be suffering from PTSD, but as my therapist told me, it isn't always something that affects veterans, although I am one myself. She told me that the flashbacks weren't harmful in my case because I never associated them with violent scenes of behavior, and that was a relief. What I need to do is document those events and then go back and read what I wrote to help me understand and cope with them in the future.

Acceptance that I now have a diagnosis about my flashbacks came as a relief. I always feel better when I know what is happening, even if it is negative. At least I can move forward and not worry about my mental health as much. My therapist constantly reminds me of the progress I have already made. I keep track of all my medical appointments and never miss any. She told me that too many people with anxiety, depression, and now PTSD tend to want to forget their issues and just become miserable. I never want to end up like that if I can help it.

So, that is the latest chapter in my saga. I am at peace knowing that my therapist helped me to understand what I am going through. Hal understands when I talk with him about it, but he can only offer the best general advice that he can because he isn't a trained professional.

I always say that I used to think that mental health only was a problem who didn't have their shit together. Life taught me that none of has everything together all the time. It isn't a sign of weakness to seek out help, it can save your life.

Be Kind to one another.