I am the Master of my Own Vessel

I've been keeping my word and writing every day. I've been creating new stories and editing the ones I already have on my list. You know how it is; inspiration strikes at the weirdest times for me. It's usually late at night, which is a bummer for my sleep schedule, but I can't resist when the urge hits me. If nothing else, I'll jot down the main idea that comes to mind so I can go back to it later. I don't publish daily, but I am productive behind the scenes. 

I'm trying to do better as I adjust my daily routine. Because of my late nights, I have to stop being awake at 0200 or 0300 in the morning and stop sleeping late. I want to get up no later than 0800, grab a shower to start my day, and be ready for whatever adventures are in store for us. Even though the days are short, there is no reason to take them for granted. 

Even my writing routine has changed. I spend at least 30 minutes creating a new story or working on one in my ever-growing backlog. I even bought a desktop timer that I can set for 30 minutes to keep myself honest and on track. I am working hard to practice the old saying, "Write without Fear, Edit without Mercy." If I had done nothing more than edit a story before publishing, it would have been time well spent.

I'm writing my truth now. I don't want to be that angry keyboard warrior who freaks out over anything said or posted. I embrace Kindness as a guiding force in my life now. My days of writing to argue or pompously postulate are behind me. I write about life and Kindness. I write about things that cross my mind. I write about my feelings and experiences.

Recently, I've been thinking about my relationship with an old Navy buddy and how our similarities drove us apart. We met after boot camp when we both were assigned to the same "A" and "C" schools by the Navy. We bonded quickly. I was older, but he didn't look up to me or anything like that. I knew I brought a more mature view to the relationship. He was younger and more impulsive; I was calmer and more analytical. We both wanted to succeed in the Navy then, and people mistook our drive and dedication for a competition. I was not the competitive Type; I am a Type B personality, which means that I exist to give Type A personality heart attacks and ulcers. I know now that it would never work for me in the Navy. I appreciated certain things, but the demand that I surrender my individuality to such a degree never appealed to me. My friend was the prototypical Type A, but we got along because we both were trying to make the best of the situation.

Eventually, we were both assigned to a specialized program, so our friendship continued. However, being placed in a new environment caused the comparisons to start all over with a new group of people. We remained close friends with similar outlooks on the Navy and life. Our first duty station was also together, but that was where our friendship started to deteriorate, slowly at first but irrevocably. I didn't know then that our lives would suddenly and abruptly change, pulling us in different directions.

It was inevitable that we would eventually drift apart. His family were Navy veterans, and mine were not. He was somewhat spoiled. I was not. He grew up in the city, I grew up on a farm, and then a small town. I lost my Father at an early age; his Father remained a significant influence on my friend's life, especially the Navy aspect, because his Father was a career Navy man. I never spoke with my friend about this, but I think he did what his Father told him to do.

He matured in what I call the typical American way. He became more conservative in his worldview, whereas mine remained staunchly liberal. I never wanted to exist; I wanted to enjoy life and savor the varieties that are out there. He was content to be measured against everyone else. I never cared about competing with him or anyone else. I always thought back to a quote from John Lennon that summed up my view of life and how it should be lived. My parents never gave me this advice in these exact words, but the meaning was always there. I am grateful to them for their advice, which allowed this quote to resonate with me so clearly.  

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I was single and not interested in starting a family. The idea never held any particular appeal to me. My parents never pressured me to get married and start a family. He was engaged and then married. His marriage wasn't smooth, and he was upset about that. I nearly got married, but I smartened up before making a huge mistake. As a result, our time together as friends dropped considerably. I didn't begrudge him for his marriage. That was his decision, although I am sorry it didn't work out for him.

We drifted apart in other ways as well. He was under the influence of his family, telling him that he had to check all the boxes to succeed in life, and that included marriage, the Navy, and religion. I wasn't raised to have that checklist; my parents taught me to be a free thinker and to take life as an adventure. I certainly wasn't under pressure to make the Navy a career the same way as my friend. It was my decision and mine alone. I realized that I had an inborn resistance to unquestioned obedience. I recognized that my life path was not in the Navy, so I left after my second tour of duty.

Soon after we first met, I told my friend that he had the second-most enormous ego in the world. When he asked about the biggest, I replied that it was mine. He never understood precisely what I meant then and probably doesn't even today. We haven't spoken in over 30 years and probably never will again.

My friend accomplished the goals he set for himself. He went from E-1 to E-9 in less than 30 years, an extraordinary achievement that only a handful of people ever achieved. I attribute his success to his tenacity and drive. He would look at his life and see that he succeeded when he believed I didn't. He felt like I wasted my life when I decided to leave the Navy for my well-being. I saw things differently. I felt that so much of his potential was wasted trying to please those around him.

I decided that I wasn't suited for the Navy. I was too much of a free spirit and free thinker. I analyzed things in ways that my friend didn't. I wanted to veer off the path where he saw only one direction and explore what else was out there. In my humble opinion, he accepted too many things he was told because he was never taught to question authority, family, or the Navy. He succeeded in climbing a ladder. I climbed into a tree, explored all the branches I could reach, and enjoyed every minute since then. We each found our happiness in the end, but it wasn't something we could ever agree wholeheartedly about. We saw the world in ways that were too big to overcome. I thought about my friend, which prompted me to write this short story. I never name names because unless I specifically ask someone to use their name, I won't do it; pronouns will have to suffice.

While we each had similar thoughts about achieving success, we disagreed on the definition of happiness or the end objectives. Our desire to reach our divergent goals pulled us apart. Life consists of people who interact with us for a specific period and then move on. That is what happened to us.

I wish my friend nothing but the best. He earned everything he achieved independently, beat the odds, and has every reason to be proud of himself. The difference is that I don't have a specific endpoint for my journey. I'm enjoying my life and focusing on improving each day. I prefer no distinct goal because that distracts me from each glorious day. 

I know we won't meet again, and I have been at peace for years. I hope he is happy with his second wife and his children. He deserves that much. As for me, I am thinking about my next adventure. I found the love of my life 25 years ago, and we are still together. I wonder if my friend approves of gay marriage or relationships. I'll never know, and I'm okay with that.