Finally Feeling Like I’m in Control Again

If you’ve read my stories recently, you’ve heard me talk about profound changes in my life. Things were getting so much better, but I felt like a leaf caught in an Autumn windstorm, flying everywhere. Every time I tried to settle down, I felt caught up in the whirlwind.

My therapist told me this was a typical reaction to the therapy and the medications, but that didn’t alleviate my feeling of control. She assured me that this was my mind attempting to set new boundaries where I could control my life again. She was correct; I felt better and more in control again.

I suffered from insomnia for decades, but now I am sleeping better. I want to get to eight hours a night, but I know that will happen soon. Because I sleep better, I feel alive when I’m awake. I don’t feel like I have to fight off the world anymore. As strange as this sounds, I feel more detached from the shitshow that the world has become. I have a clearer sense of perspective on things.

I know that Happiness comes from within. Focusing on the small everyday things I can somewhat control makes me feel better about myself. In the past, I was looking down the wrong end of the telescope and trying to find Happiness by making the world a better place without much success. Now I realize that to make the world a better place. I have to make myself happy first. Happiness and Kindness flow outward from us to others.

I sit here typing a paragraph at a time. I take a few minutes to cherish the silence and the knowledge that I am finally in control. It has been a long time since I felt this way, and I am enjoying the sensation. I never want to lose control of my life again. I regret the years I should have sought help but stubbornly refused. All I can do now is live the best life I can.

And so, I am writing this on a beautiful afternoon, safe in the knowledge that I don’t worry anymore about things as I did before. My biggest concern is when to start making dinner. The old friends that fell away are gone. I cannot change that. They made their decisions, and agreeing with them is not my concern anymore because I cannot change their minds and won’t try.

Kindness has helped me bridge the gap from my sick days through therapy to Happiness. That is why I will never forsake Kindness. It keeps giving and giving when I open myself to it. Simply using the phrase “Thank You” in everyday conversation raises eyebrows because it has become so unexpected in this fucked-up world we live in. We should all try to be more pleasant towards one another instead of constantly arguing.

Think about how society has devolved. People can no longer have a discussion. Instead, we must have an argument that usually involves shouting and screaming rather than listening. People fear a quiet, intelligent conversation because they feel they are being led into a trap. I suppose they are correct. They are being led into a trap called acceptance and understanding. They cannot communicate effectively without shouting, screaming, and carrying on. Sadly, this is only slightly above feces-throwing in terms of communication skills. I was guilty of this behavior, so I didn’t claim any moral superiority, but I learned to listen to others politely, even if I disagreed with them. I lament our lack of communication skills because it precludes solving our problems when we cannot talk calmly to one another.

These are the things that I think about with calmness and clarity since I am in control of my life again. This is just the start.