Disappointment

I haven’t written in several days because I’ve battled depression. I’m still not entirely over it. I don’t know what caused this; I get a headache trying to figure that out, so I just ridden out the empty feeling while knowing things will improve.

Hal was my rock through the darkest times. He is always there for me. I can’t imagine anyone else in my life who I love as much as him. My anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication helped me to stay calm. In the past, I would lash out at the world when I felt like this, but that never accomplished anything; it just made me miserable. I’m glad I can control extreme emotions and stay calm through the depression.

There is a significant issue that I’m facing, and that probably is an essential factor in how I feel. The problem isn’t anything I feel comfortable talking about here. I hope that the problem will resolve itself sometime this month. All I can do is wait.

In the meantime, my depression shouldn’t keep me from writing. I’ll get through this tough time and become more vital than ever. The depression affected my podcast preparation because I felt so exhausted every day. I lacked the energy to focus on the podcast preparation as I should have. I feel dizzy almost all the time. I depend on my cane to keep my balance when walking so I won’t fall over. I hate feeling this way, but it is my new normal. My body is failing me in so many ways. Three years ago, I felt invincible. I thought I was physically fit. Then, on Labor Day weekend, 2020, I fell apart and ended up in the hospital, fighting for my life. By the end of 2020, I was finally out of the hospital, but I knew my life would never be the same again.

When I came home from the hospital, I was so weak that I couldn’t shower for almost a week. I couldn’t stand up for more than thirty seconds before I would fall. To this day, I need my cane when I’m out to try to prevent falling. My lung capacity is very restricted; I can’t exert myself without intense vertigo affecting me.

I try to keep a positive attitude, and my therapist helps with that. I know it is so easy to give up, but I refuse to do that. I have a good life, all things considered, and I want to make it even better every day.

So, that’s my mindset as I fight my way out of depression. I know this will pass, and I’ll try not to let it affect my writing the next time it happens. After the big issue clears up, I know everything will be fine. I just need to be patient because it is out of my control. Worrying won’t do any good. It irritates me, and I’m focused on peace and serenity.