Break On Through to the Other Side
I've written a lot about my mental health recently. The never-ending struggle takes its toll on me, and the last two weeks were especially rough. I have done some deep meditation and am starting to uncover things buried for a long time. These things have to come to light, but rediscovering them is painful, to be honest. Self-examination is a treacherous task but a necessary one at times. Only in the silence of solitude can one dig deep enough to find those hidden feelings and emotional barriers that hold us back from moving ahead with our lives.
The best way to proceed is to take the low-hanging fruit first. That is why I use food as a crutch. I love to cook, but Hal always noticed that I tend to make too much food, and I never stopped to think about why. When I do the emotional deep dive, I start to realize I use food as a means of dealing with my anxiety and depression. In the past, whenever I felt terrible, I would eat. Because I spent so much of my life alone, food was a companion that was always there for me.
Even today, when I feel down, I find myself in the kitchen looking for anything to eat because eating takes my mind off everything else, at least for a while. Eating like this is not healthy, and I know that, but at times, I cannot stop. To make things worse, I will order delivery, which means fast food, which means nothing good for me. Fast food is nothing more than pre-processed garbage, but I must have it when I am in an emotionally dark place and need something to comfort myself, at least in my mind.
The next level in my emotional deep dive is what causes me to want food. What makes me seek emotional comfort from food in the first place? One thing is a fear of loneliness. I have been with Hal for more than twenty-four years, and we are incredibly happy together, except for another underlying fear of mine: the fear of abandonment. I find myself lost without Hal, even for short periods. I depend on him dor so much, and he is so giving. I am lost without him by my side. I wouldn't be here without him.
Sometimes, I want to get out and go places, and Hal wants to stay home and rest. I feel like I nag him about this. I try to see his side of things, but I feel like I take him for granted, which scares me because I never want to lose him. Inwardly, I sulk, for lack of a better word, which bothers me. I shouldn't feel that way, but if things were entirely rational, none of this would happen in the first place. I let these feelings stay bottled up, which isn't healthy for me.
These are the two things that I am willing to write about. I am working on correcting those things that bother me while ensuring that I don't upset my emotional balance. While all this seems intimidating, it is a challenge that I can overcome with careful thought and planning. I always enjoy a challenge, but they typically involve something in the outside world, whereas these are entirely focused on me. I have to adjust how I approach these challenges if I am to succeed. I need to take my time and proceed carefully.
The first step I can identify is severely reducing the amount of food I order from delivery services. While this sounds easy, my emotional state can be very persuasive sometimes, so I must stay focused on the goal. If I am successful, I will feel better emotionally and physically and save some serious money. I need to take the approach that fast food is a fast track to the grave for me, and I need to do a better job of watching out for myself. I cannot let food dictate how I feel about myself any longer.
When I use that approach, I add the benefit of actively taking charge of my life in general. I don't feel like a pawn in some karmic chess match anymore. I can see and feel the results of my actions differently than before because I changed my perspective. I can see positive benefits, such as losing weight and feeling better. I can be more physically active for a change. My entire perspective changes due to that one minor correction to my behavior. If I keep making the right choices, things will improve for me. I must remember that I am in charge of my life; I should never surrender that to others.
As for my fear of loneliness and rejection, I'm sorry. I have a tough time accepting that I am loved and I am not alone anymore. Neither of these things has been true for more than 24 years. These fears were ingrained in me as a child because I was an only child raised by two wonderful parents who existed outside of any extended family structure. I was taught to be self-sufficient from an early age. Unfortunately, that also taught me that I should never depend on others for love or support. Lessons learned in early childhood from parents I loved and respected are hard to overcome when I find that they misguided me without meaning to.
Hal is still my rock. He guides me with wisdom, grace, and kindness. I don't want any new-found personal independence to lessen my love for him. I need to accept his love unconditionally, just like he gives it to me. I am fortunate to have Hal in my life when I think about how many people never find their true soul mate. We must focus on our time together, whether at home or going out. It is the time together that is truly important for both of us. We have something special that I want to last forever.
Recognizing that I am in charge of my life again is somewhat frightening. I realize I wasn't in control before, which is scary. It's like I was living an illusion or an actor in a play without knowing I was acting according to a script I didn't write. You could equate what I'm talking about to the Matrix movie. My preconceived world is being shattered in front of my eyes. This is a true journey of self-discovery. It is unnerving but exciting at the same time. I do not want to lose control again.
I accomplished quite a bit this weekend. Hal supported me as we went out, and I got plenty of exercise walking around. It felt good to be in control of my life to a small degree. I didn't overexert myself, and I know that this was something that I must do more often in the future. I took the initiative to make a change and liked it. I can also do this mental exercise regarding my writing and other aspects of my life. There are limits to what I can do physically, but I can still stretch my emotional boundaries for the first time in years. I need to use my brain more than I have been.
Speaking of my brain, I went in for a CTA scan on Friday, but they discovered that they couldn't use the dye because of my kidney condition. They called my PCP, and she ordered an MRA for Friday of next week. This procedure will hopefully shed some light on my balance issues and dizziness. This condition has been troubling me for several years, but now I have the insurance that will allow me to get this test done. I am grateful that the nearby hospital can handle this so I don't have to drive a long way for my appointments.
After that weekend of me being in charge, Monday turned into a day for Hal and me to rest at home. I took the time to complete this blog post and cook veggie burgers for dinner so we could eat healthy for a change. My writing and cooking are critical; they keep me focused even in the worst times. The mental discipline I practiced over the weekend served me well when I returned to writing. The cooking part is still tricky sometimes because I have trouble standing for long periods in the kitchen. I stumble when I try to move after standing still for a minute, and I don't want to fall into or onto anything hot in the kitchen.
I'm happy with my life. Breaking through to the other side has made me even more appreciative of things. I no longer want to fall into the habit of taking things for granted. Life is too short. Each day is an adventure if we choose to live it.
Be kind to each other.