The Road to Recovery

Anxiety and Depression are terrible things to deal with. I struggled with them for years and never even realized that I had them. When I look back, I wish I had sought help sooner. Instead, I tried to tough my way through whatever difficulties I encountered.

In hindsight, that was a huge mistake. The pressure was like a volcano with lava pushing up through a narrow opening. I was miserable without understanding why. I got angry instantly; I felt threatened by things happening around me. Hal tried to tell me I needed help, but I still tried to get through things independently. While the pressure built inside me, I felt like the character Sisyphus, who rolled the boulder up the hill and couldn't stop it from crashing down again.

I never thought that I would need mental health advice or that I suffered from a mental health condition like Anxiety or Depression. Pride comes before the fall, as they used to say, and that was the case for me. My stubbornness and pride nearly killed me.

I ended up in the hospital with COPD because I smoked, thinking that would relieve the stress I put on myself. Instead, it hurt me. My kidneys started to fail, but luckily, Hal was able to tell the hospital to take the steps necessary to save my life.

I ended up in a medically induced coma for five days while the doctors helped me to recover. The fact that I had to be unconscious for recovery to happen tells a lot about my situation. I slowly came out of the coma, and I realized that things had to change. I stopped smoking and vaping; I rarely drank alcohol, so that wasn't as hard a habit to break.

My recovery continued nearly four years later. My breathing and kidney problems also contributed to some neurological disorders that are being researched today. I strongly suspect that there was some neurological damage that may never be repaired. I struggle to say the right things; Hal has to ask me to repeat things because the words don't come out right, and the meaning isn't what I intended. I still walk with two hiking poles to maintain my balance. Ironically, the only time I don't feel dizzy is when I'm driving, and the doctors said that is a common condition for the type of symptoms I have shown. I only walk around without the poles at home because I know exactly where everything is in case I start to fall.

With all those things going on, I still hadn't addressed my mental health. Hal finally convinced me to see a psychiatrist, and the diagnosis of Anxiety and Depression was confirmed. I started medication, and it helped me tremendously. I eventually distrusted the psychiatrist because when stopped addressing how I felt and kept trying to get me to take even more medications. She spent her time looking at her computer for new medications for me. I knew it was time to move on.

I went for several months without finding a new psychiatrist, and I felt the old fears coming back. The fear of abandonment was overwhelming even though Hal was with me like he had been for more than 24 years. The fear was irrational, but that didn't make it any less real to me.

My writing suffered because of my struggles. I was so depressed that I couldn't find the time or the energy to write. That infuriated me and made me feel even more useless. I struggled to develop things to write about, but that didn't work. I tried different writing methods and tools, but nothing helped until I summoned up the courage to go to a local writers' group meeting, and suddenly, the doors opened in my mind. I found that I wasn't alone with writer's block, regardless of the cause.

The mental chaos overwhelmed me, but I finally found a new psychiatrist. One visit calmed me down tremendously. I believe that this relationship will be beneficial to me. I am actually looking forward to seeing her and talking again next month. With all the medical appointments I have, another one won't hurt.

The road to recovery is long and winding, but it is one that I must travel. I recognized several years ago that I would never be as healthy as I was before all this happened, and I have learned to accept that. I found that practicing Kindness daily really helped me cope with the world around me as it, or I, slowly went mad. Neither one cares about the other.

Tomorrow morning, I go to the hospital for a CTA scan of my head and neck to check what causes my severe dizziness. I hope this is the first step in finding a cure or treatment for this condition. I am nervous, although I remember scans where I was hospitalized several years ago.